You get the call, the call none of us want to get. Someone you love has passed away. Whether sudden or expected your world has been rocked. It is heart breaking, and I doubt the first thing on your mind is ‘What will I eat next?” You may not be hungry, you may not have the time or energy to cook but we all have to eat. That is something our culture recognizes about times of grief. We bring each other food. Frozen trays of lasagna, salads, breaded chicken, sandwiches, pasta dishes; they’re all made with love to nourish our bodies while we try to repair our souls. It is a form of sympathy that is tangible, and immediately supportive. You have food available if you want it, but what if you are gluten free or live on another restrictive diet?
I’ve had my fare share of loss, including this month. When my brother passed away on Christmas Eve 2014 a troop of people showed up at my parents house with food. The fridge was packed. As I sat there watching folks bring my parents food, and my parents in term splitting it with my other brother, I felt more isolated, more distant. There was nothing I could safely eat. While they ate filling pasta made with love I ate tuna fish on chips, and while I could live with it I found myself thinking selfish and angry thoughts. Why does it have to be this way? Can’t someone just F***ing bring a fresh salad with no croutons? How am I supposed to make sure my food is prepared while trying to help make arrangements? Food is my last priority, I just won’t eat. I don’t have the energy to be awake let alone cook…
It is natural to feel this way, but in this case it wasn’t fair because none of these people KNEW I was gluten free and ate on a restrictive diet. Restrictive diet and Gluten free living is rough sometimes and we will have those negative thoughts, but sometimes we need to reassess. The important thing during grief is processing the loss so these were thoughts that I couldn’t let fester. The social worker in me, with the help of my nutritionist student husband, got to thinking about someways to support myself, and ask for the help I needed, in ensuring I had food. If you yourself are grieving (which I sure hope you aren’t), and don’t know what to do about your food, try to keep the below in mind.
- If you know someone is going to pass away shortly prepare ahead of time. Freeze some home cooked left overs, stock up on a few items you know are safe such as frozen meals (Annie’s dishes for example) or dry noodle dishes (Trader Joe’s Rice noodle bowls).
- If you are up to cooking make a favorite recipe of yours, or the person who has passed. When my brother passed away I made a soup recipe he loved several times over the next few months. It was comforting to eat something I knew he would love and gave me a tangible time to think of him.
- Focus on mindful cooking. As you cook focus on the tasks and your breathing; how do your hands look when you chop the vegetables? What do you smell when you stir the sauce? Focusing on these things allows your brain a small break from your grief and refocuses you on your surroundings.
- Keep it simple. Use a slow cooker to cook, so you only have to prepare and mix ingredients. Cook simple dishes that don’t require a lot of prep or shopping.
- Order take out from your favorite restaurant (or the favorite restaurant of individual who passed), but try to limit this and keep the orders healthy.
- If someone asks if you need any food, or drops something off, remind them of your dietary needs AND Ask for help from those you find reliable and supportive. This person(s) should know you are gluten free, and you should feel safe eating what they make and speaking to them. If need be, maybe supply them with recipes, ingredients, or ideas. Remind them that store brought items from delis or bulk bins may not be gluten free. Here are some quick suggestions of items you might suggest they make:
– Gluten free baked ziti or lasagna
– Gluten free potato salad, macaroni salad, cole slaw etc.
– Fresh salads without croutons or salad dressing (unless they know the dressing is gluten free)
– Stir-fry with vegetables/meats/fish and gluten free pasta or rice
– Sandwiches on gluten free bread (peanut butter and jelly, cheese and meat etc.)
– Gluten free baking mix items for a treat
The above tips are applicable during any emergency (death, injury, care taking requirements needing more of your time, etc.) that might limit the time or energy you have to dedicate toward meal preparation. To me the biggest key is having a support network of friends and family who know what is going on in your life and that you are gluten free. This is hopefully something you’ve established before any emergency, and all you might need from them is simply keeping you company while you do the cooking or doing the shopping for you (not necessarily the food itself). My biggest reminded: In no way should you feel guilty and obliged to eat something someone made if it isn’t gluten free or you are unsure whether it is. That will only make things worse, for you and those around you. Kindly accept what they made, remind them of your your needs, and share it with those around you.
Unfortunately I’ve had opportunity to utilize the above strategies since my brother’s death, and they have really helped. I don’t worry about food now when someone passes or I encounter a personal injury or other emergency because I have a great group of friends that will drop off a tray of gluten free baked ziti, or I can take a moment out of my day to mindfully cook and focus only on the food to give myself a break. Loss, and grief, require a level of vulnerability that some find too overwhelming and asking for more help then can be unimaginable but it eliminates another concern. So be vulnerable, be honest, and be proud of yourself for asking for the help you need and living everyday on a restrictive diet. AND if you need further assistance with processing the grief itself please consider working with a local social worker, psychologist, or psychiatrist. You can also call the National Suicide and Crisis Hotline at 1-(800)-784-2433 or 1-(800)-273-8255.
This advice is good for those who suffer serious intolerances (like properly identified celiacs, peanut allergies etc.) which you seem to be. But I hope you aren’t giving this advice to non celiacs or “self diagnosed” celiacs. Because there is nothing more cold and selfish then keeping an over-the-top diet steady when somebody from your family has passed and you are being a 8-year old picky eater. I’m not making this an attack (again, solid advice for those with a serious condition), just wanted to give my 2 cents :).
BTW I blog about health and fitness as well so food is important to me and I have tried gluten free.
Thanks for the comments, I’ve dealt with the loss of a lot of family members after being diagnosed with Celiac Disease, and you have a great point. A lot of folks follow restrictive diets for reasons beyond a proper diagnosis, and they often make it difficult for those of us that have to maintain the diet strictly. I do think though that this advice could work for those individuals if they can approach the situation with respect and consideration. If they feel better and are not nasty about it there are certainly ways to work around it and get support/be their own support system. The human interaction piece is key, and hopefully they haven’t burned bridges with the way they approach their diet.
if you’ve lost a loved one and wrote this post because of that, I sincerely hope you, your family and your friends get thru these dark times. I couldn’t imagine such a pain and feel deeply sorry.
It can be done, but as you said, this gluten free craze can have a negative impact on those who truly need to be gluten free at all times. A lot of friends of mine don’t take any gluten intolerance truly seriously because it has become a fad. All the best for your future (blogging) endeavours!
Same to you!